After much deliberation I finally decided on just using my real name. The main factors as to why not is because there are thoughts of spilling my guts in some postings and having my real name would possibly keep my more withdrawn. Whatever fuck it. I don't care. I don't know many people who use these things. And I don't really give a crap if someone actually reads them anyway. I have about a zillion journals that I leave around all over the place that my friends probably pick up and read from time to time. Scratch that, if they did I wouldn't be here right now. The fact is that some of the things I have to say aren't very pretty. There's a lot of demons up in this big head a' mine.
So hopefully I can manage to convey what I feel, while keeping my real name as well.
So where to start. I am 21 years old. I am a pretty spiritual guy. Or rather a spiritual addict. Screw that I'm a truth addict. Spiritual is a gay word..
Let me give you a brief run through. And when I say you and mean nothing by it. It's just like a way to express what I'm thinking.
Ummm... So everybody when they are younger finds out about the fricken D-word. Some people are freaked out about it. Some people forget about it. . I was one of those kinds who were freaked out about it. What a threatening thing. The most threatening thing. For me it wasn't so much about my own mortality but about me not seeing the people I love ever again. That says a lot about me and my so-called personality reflecting upon it.
I don't mean to sound so glum and I'm not gonna shove in your face the "fact" that you are gonna die some die. I did that once I think it just made me sound like an ignorant ass.
I was just very affected by the whole death thing when I was little. I remember when finding out about it my mom told me I wouldn't die if I just prayed a lot. I also remember walking around in a bliss for a couple weeks before I found out that it was a lie. And I remember feeling very decieved and really hurt about it. And then I also remember about once every year I would harp on the subject for probably just a week at a time. Thoughts coming in and out with the main attachment being not seeing the people I love ever again. People telling me to just shut up and stop thinking about it.
In any case it wasn't until about two years ago when my official "search" begun. When I realized that Winnie the Pooh has to have some type of Philosophy to it. And i do not feel like recounting that just yet. I would just feel too gay and melodramatic.
Umm, hopefully I can sound mildly intelligent in these postings. I'm kind of trying to brush up my intellect. Learning how to speed read and doing these memory techniques, reading thesauruses, some "For Dummies" books.
And although I'm probably gonna get very dark in my postings , I hope to also express some of the lighter sides of the spiritual path or dare I say a life truely lived.
There's really a lot more to it guys.
Seeya
